Men often seek intimacy differently from women. Numerous studies have shown that men more often equate emotional closeness with working or playing together side by side, whereas women envision intimacy as being able to discuss feelings face to face. If a woman‘s greatest fear is of being evaded or abandoned by her partner ( a thought expressed over and over again by the many women I have worked with in my counseling practice), then for men, (as expressed by most of the ones I have seen in my office) the greatest fear is of being controlled, manipulated, emasculated, and/or devalued.

Over and over again, females describe their male partners as fact-seeking, fault-finding, distrusting, unempathic people once the idealization of first romance is gotten past and the realities of daily living with someone with different chromosomes and genitalia, set in.

What do men say they want? They tell me that they want to be accepted, understood, cared for and about, supported emotionally, appreciated for their work, talents, and values as husband, father, boyfriend, son, partner, business associate and/or friend.

Men often feel claustrophobic in the intimacy of coupledom, and talk of needing more space, privacy and autonomy than their partner is comfortable in providing for them.

Men also have different sexual tastes. Men tend to be more voyeuristic than women, and sexually aroused by visual stimuli of all sorts, possibly directed by their more spatial brains. While most women tend to enjoy what sociologist Helen Fisher calls “tepid verbal porn” like soap operas and romance novels and movies, most men are drawn to competitive, sometimes violent sports, both as participants and observers,
Favor math and science over arts in school and predominate in martial arts and other testosterone-driven aggressive pursuits. They clearly have the edge over women in physical strength which has all sorts of connotations in the spheres of sexual performance and competitive sports as well as occupational fields.

While women cry mainly out of frustration, anger or as a response to hurtful relationship issues, men cry more in situations involving loss, missed opportunities, or missed connections with others. Men express regrets about drinking too much, mot being with their partners or kids enough, expressing anger either abusively or by being sullenly silent. Men have fewer close friends than most women, and as they age they tend to cry more. As a growing boy, many of the men I have seen have feared and dreaded their father’s anger, judgment, lack of support and outright rejection.

In couples relationships, men are often able to maintain a sexual relationship when their emotional commitment has shifted elsewhere. Although there are exceptions, more men who seek marriage counseling , complain about lack of sex with their partners than women, who often discontinue having sex with a man they are becoming increasingly alienated from emotionally.

In my practice, I have encountered a number of men who stated that they married a woman whom they thought would be a good companion/cook/housekeeper and a good mother to their children but who were not necessarily their sexual ideal. Having a wife who is seen more in terms of nurturer/caretaker than sex object, has profound implications for a marriage or partnership, and often leads to infidelity by either or both partners. These couples issues can often be worked through in individual counseling, couples counseling or both.

It is harder for men to seek treatment when they are suffering emotionally because of the implications of “needing help” which still is seen by some as not masculine. I can assure you that when men do seek treatment, they are just as likely to benefit from it as women, perhaps more so because most men wait until their emotional pain is fairly severe, their role as son/father/spouse/lover/partner/employee is being threatened, or their depression, anxiety, and/or general unhappiness are so severe that they are highly motivated to work on the life issues that prevent them from giving their peak performance.