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Couples
Counseling
Love’s Illogic by Roger Granet
This bond called intimacy
Thrives on broken boundaries,
Lives in errant angles.
Who really cares where you
 End
and I begin?
Between lovers
There exist no rigid rules
As romance laughs at
The seriousness of science,
The rationale of physics,
When we hold each other
One plus one knows no two,
As closeness ridicules
The calculations of calculus,
The logic of mathematics,
And when night kisses dawn
So do we, as we wink
At the timelessness of time,
Ignorant of any order,
Only aware of one another.
I came across this poem while preparing to
give a paper on intimacy, sex and gender for
a professional conference and felt it
epitomizes the state of merging that exists
when one is in love.
When each partner is attuned to the other’s
needs, all is well and gratification and
frustration can both be dealt with in an
atmosphere of trust and caring.
However, just as being born thrusts us from
an all-encompassing womb-like comfort into a
world that is not always safe or easy to
negotiate, our experiences adjusting to a
romantic partnership with one whose needs
often conflict with our own, trigger fears
of unfamiliarity, loss and pain. Change is
risky. Past ways of dealing with it are
clung to like an old friend, without whom we
cannot negotiate life’s vicissitudes. I’ve
known people who think “all change is bad”
because it means readjusting to new and
risky behaviors. You know where the old shoe
pinches. The new one may be better for your
foot, but it feels strange, alien and
difficult to accommodate to.
The dangers of close relationships are many:
we are revealed to our partner in all our
nakedness, exposing all the defects, wounds,
scars and deficits we normally avoid baring,
leaving them open to public scrutiny,
judgement, possible ridicule, and in turn
triggering fears of abandonment.
The people who come to see me in my office
are faced with the basic dilemma of choosing
between a close and hoped-for intimacy with
its risks of abandonment, rejection and
loss, and a more isolated, defensive
position that distances them from sources of
nurturance and support from their partner.
Part of couples counseling involves
exploring the familiar and known before
venturing forth into the unfamiliar and
unknown. One learns to identify both valued
and devalued aspects of oneself in others
toward a greater self-awareness and better
self-esteem. One needs to know when to say
“yes” and when to say “no” to your partner,
and how to defend yourself against intended
or unintended slights or unempathic responses. Our goal in
working together is a heightened awareness
of each partner’s needs and sensitivities
and learning to work as a team to foster
greater safety and closeness.
I have helped many clients to restructure
their relationships in order to provide
comfort, pleasure and a safely intimate
atmosphere. I would welcome the opportunity
to work with you.
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