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Intimacy Issues
Journey into Intimacy
Most people I see in my office are yearning
for the intimacy of a safe, warm
relationship, but are unsure how to achieve
it. Many of them find themselves sabotaging
themselves, either subtly or overtly, in
their attempts to get close to a partner or,
when they have found a partner, find
themselves indulging in behavior likely to
alienate the other person.
What's the Problem?
The problem is, that it is normal to seek
the familiar. In many cases, when we seek
intimacy, we unconsciously repeat patterns
in which the early love relationships were
infused with negative messages. "You're
bad", "You're stupid", "You're the wrong
sex", "You're the cause of all my problems",
etc. These messages get internalized and
then either projected onto the partner via
identification with a critical parent (or
other important person from the past) or
re-experienced as if the partner were the
original critical person who defined their
self-esteem. Either way, the result is
distance and alienation.
What's the Solution?
I have found that sorting out the messages
we are sending and receiving is essential to
understanding and modifying the
self-defeating behavior that prevents a
satisfying intimacy in relationships.
Individual psychotherapy can help you to do
this. So can couples counseling, in which
you examine your interpersonal behavior and
communication with your partner in a safe,
comfortable, confidential atmosphere with a
goal of becoming the person you want others
to experience and have others respond
favorably to.
If you have found a partner but are having
difficulty maintaining a comfortable
relationship, couples counseling can help
you decide whether this relationship can
meet your needs and if so, how to maintain
healthy boundaries and an equitable
give-and-take. Self-examination via therapy
is not an easy step to take. It requires an
investment of time, money and emotional
energy, as well as the patience to stay with
it until the desired goals are met. But when
it works, it changes your life in ways that
will help you reach and enjoy a comfortable
intimacy in all your relationships.
If you think you might benefit from therapy,
call for a consultation and I will discuss
with you which modality of treatment might
best address your problems.
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