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Men's Issues
 Men
often seek intimacy differently from women.
Numerous studies have shown that men more
often equate emotional closeness with
working or playing together side by side,
whereas women envision intimacy as being
able to discuss feelings face to face. If a
woman‘s greatest fear is of being evaded or
abandoned by her partner ( a thought
expressed over and over again by the many
women I have worked with in my counseling
practice), then for men, (as expressed by
most of the ones I have seen in my office)
the greatest fear is of being controlled,
manipulated, emasculated, and/or devalued.
Over and over again, females describe their
male partners as fact-seeking,
fault-finding, distrusting, unempathic
people once the idealization of first
romance is gotten past and the realities of
daily living with someone with different
chromosomes and genitalia, set in.
What do men say they want? They tell me that
they want to be accepted, understood, cared
for and about, supported emotionally,
appreciated for their work, talents, and
values as husband, father, boyfriend, son,
partner, business associate and/or friend.
Men often feel claustrophobic in the
intimacy of coupledom, and talk of needing
more space, privacy and autonomy than their
partner is comfortable in providing for
them.
Men also have different sexual tastes. Men
tend to be more voyeuristic than women, and
sexually aroused by visual stimuli of all
sorts, possibly directed by their more
spatial brains. While most women tend to
enjoy what sociologist Helen Fisher calls
“tepid verbal porn” like soap operas and
romance novels and movies, most men are
drawn to competitive, sometimes violent
sports, both as participants and observers,
Favor math and science over arts in school
and predominate in martial arts and other
testosterone-driven aggressive pursuits.
They clearly have the edge over women in
physical strength which has all sorts of
connotations in the spheres of sexual
performance and competitive sports as well
as occupational fields.
While women cry mainly out of frustration,
anger or as a response to hurtful
relationship issues, men cry more in
situations involving loss, missed
opportunities, or missed connections with
others. Men express regrets about drinking
too much, mot being with their partners or
kids enough, expressing anger either
abusively or by being sullenly silent. Men
have fewer close friends than most women,
and as they age they tend to cry more. As a
growing boy, many of the men I have seen
have feared and dreaded their father’s
anger, judgment, lack of support and
outright rejection.
In couples relationships, men are often able
to maintain a sexual relationship when their
emotional commitment has shifted elsewhere.
Although there are exceptions, more men who
seek marriage counseling , complain about
lack of sex with their partners than women,
who often discontinue having sex with a man
they are becoming increasingly alienated
from emotionally.
In my practice, I have encountered a number
of men who stated that they married a woman
whom they thought would be a good
companion/cook/housekeeper and a good mother
to their children but who were not
necessarily their sexual ideal. Having a
wife who is seen more in terms of
nurturer/caretaker than sex object, has
profound implications for a marriage or
partnership, and often leads to infidelity
by either or both partners. These couples
issues can often be worked through in
individual counseling, couples counseling or
both.
It is harder for men to seek treatment when
they are suffering emotionally because of
the implications of “needing help” which
still is seen by some as not masculine. I
can assure you that when men do seek
treatment, they are just as likely to
benefit from it as women, perhaps more so
because most men wait until their emotional
pain is fairly severe, their role as
son/father/spouse/lover/partner/employee is
being threatened, or their depression,
anxiety, and/or general unhappiness are so
severe that they are highly motivated to
work on the life issues that prevent them
from giving their peak performance.
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